The pros and cons of suicide. I'll feel like such a loser if I fail, again, and that's pretty much what's stopping me. That and then I'll still have all this crazy pressure, and seeing as I feel like a useless bitch right now. I contemplated just 'useless', but really, why bother toning it down?

Useless bitch is polite compared to the things I'm actually thinking about myself. I so really, really don't want to go into work today, either...

I can't deal with any of this crap, because I have way too much pressure on me right now. Between what my parents expect, and what I expect of myself - and the pressure I put on myself is much, much worse - I just want it all to go away, and there's only one way I see that happening.

Called my psychiatrist, and I'm going to call him back later today as we set a time for me to call back, but I can't get up the energy to do anything today...

So, I'll be paying the deposit on a studio tomorrow.

And then I'll be part of this: http://fountainstreetfineart.com/

And they're having an open studio walk-through. Starting on the eight.

Holy god. I now have around nine days to put together a whole open studio, and get all my art supplies set up there.

Wish me luck, because I'll be going absolutely bonkers trying to get it up. I'm just glad that there's no new Glee or Fringe this week to distract me, lol.

I'm going to start my web series on April first.

Here's the address: http://community.livejournal.com/winters_moon/

It's only got one post, an intro/explanation. The community has open membership, but no one other than me is allowed to post - just so the writing isn't interrupted. If I have any other announcements, I'll post them before I get started. After the series is started, I'm hoping to post only once a week, a thousand or so word chunk each week.

I'm also hoping that in a week or so, once the first post is up, people might not mind linking on their LJs. If, y'know, I bat my eyes real pretty.

Well, having said that, I'm going to sleep, so that I have the energy to talk to my fabulous web-techhy friend whom I'm going to pay to set up my art website tomorrow, and then work out the first two installments of my series, since I really think the first one doesn't explain everything that needs explaining properly.

(And thank you, beta, for that. You made me realize that I can't use the supposed first installment as the first, which would have been incredibly bad. )

I'm going to start writing, hopefully to be published soon on Kindle, possibly on Barnes and Noble. This is because I had an idea about world building; my friend Jackie and I are going to build a paranormal/urban fantasy world that incorporates vampires, weres, zombies, Haitian religion, and old Greek/Roman mythology. Well, possibly.

I've sent Jackie the basis for my ideas so far, and I'm waiting to see what she says. If she totally vetos some of the ideas - like the club I have set up - I'm still going forward with it solo, as I'm partial to what I've come up with.

Anyway, going to work on a story/mold that can be easily revamped if Jackie says nay to any of my ideas, to start this off. That's the whole thing that I figured would be neat about this. I can write my own horror/thriller stories, and I told Jackie that she could do whatever she wanted - more horror/thrillers are fantastic, but it could accommodate YA/paranormal romance/straight up urban fantasy as I have it set up so far. But to make it work, we have to have equal say in the world, so again, I'm playing the waiting game, which I'm not super-good at, lol.

By the way, I told Jackie I'd tell her that there was just one thing with working on a loose series like this with her - she's like a hundred times a better writer than I am. She was like, no, but... you'll totally have to read her writing and come to your own conclusion... (She is!)

So, anyway, I have all this crushing pressure, not sure how I'm going to survive on my now part time job, and trying to move out of my parents place, and not sure how to get into the writing/art world.   I'm going to talk to a couple programmer friends, see if they'll know how to set up an art website, and I think I'm going to create a livejournal community for a web series.   It'll be closed in the start, although who knows in the future...    If I get this up.   If I can keep writing enough for me to put something up every Monday, starting next Monday.  

I just started writing again today, and I think I"m ready to put some more original stuff up.   I'll talk to another friend about looking over stuff as a beta type reader, although... shrugs.   Who knows.  

Some stuff that isn't fanfiction.

I may post bits and pieces from now on. I wrote this way back in college, if anyone's interested in timeline or anything.  There's also more to this, but I'm not happy with any of it, so no way in hell will I post anymore of this story, at least not until I find the time to edit it if not rewrite it...


    The mermaids hoarded the names of the dead men and women, never sleeping because then the names would rise in the air like steam, dissipating until they were lost.  Occasionally, one of the mermaids would sigh and dive straight to the ocean floor, where the bones or bodies of the mortals lay.  Whispering, she would call all the names she and her sisters had collected so that the remains would stay.  They would not escape if they heard and then remembered their names. 
    The mermaids were jealous creatures, and the women in them could not bear to allow those they had loved go.  Not even when death rotted away their beautiful bodies, leaving nothing but gleaming bone polished by the rocks that the bones tumbled against as they were rocked by the waves.  If the bones were ready, the right size or color, the mermaids would bring them up, using them as handles for mirrors, or as hair clips, or bracelets.  The mermaids were clever as clever as they were jealous, and they could craft the bones into whatever they desired.
    These trinkets were the price of the mermaids' love.  Still, they could be sirens when they wished, singing so softly and sweetly of their own beauty that mortals would be drawn in.  So it was said - a mermaids' voice meant that you were lost to her.
    This was the mermaids' lives - loving, and losing, and mourning, an unending cycle.  They never dared to venture into other parts of Never-Never-Land, where the pirates and Indians fought, and Peter Pan led the Lost Boys through any adventures they could find.

After giving blood -_-

I treated myself to a graphic novel from the B&N where I work. I also fell on my Kindle, scratching it; with the extended warranty, I can use my one accidental replacement, which I've done. Oh, well, at least I didn't hurt my head. It was right it the hospital cafeteria, and one nurse said that I was 'out for a while'.

All titles behind the link. Keep in mind I'm a couple months behind -_- Eh, I'll try to catch up this week cause I have a backlog, and if I take them into work and read them then, I should be fine.

Behind the link.

( Read in '11 )

Books behind the cut: ( Read in '11 )